Kim Hafford: Navigating Dementia, Caregiving & the Decisions Families Don’t Expect

When a parent begins showing signs of dementia, families can quickly find themselves making decisions they never expected to face.

In this episode of Aging Unfiltered: Real. Raw. Law., Edna Colucci and Ashli Carroll sit down with Kim Hafford, who shares her personal experience caring for her mother as dementia changed their family’s roles, routines and plans.

Kim talks candidly about the first moments that made her realize something was changing, including a concerning phone conversation and a frightening experience riding in the car with her mother. From there came a series of increasingly difficult decisions: seeking medical answers, managing care from a distance, locating important legal documents, selling her mother’s home, taking away the car keys, downsizing a lifetime of belongings and finding a care community where her mother could continue the routines that mattered to her.

The conversation also explores the guilt caregivers can carry, the importance of involving siblings and trusted professionals, and why families should have conversations about aging and decision-making long before a crisis occurs.

Kim’s story is a reminder that there may not be a perfect way to navigate caregiving—but preparation, support, communication and giving yourself grace can make an extraordinarily difficult season a little more manageable.

Key Takeaways

Have conversations about aging before there is a crisis. Kim wishes her family had discussed her mother’s wishes and future care while everyone was younger and the decisions still felt hypothetical.
Do not just prepare legal documents—know where the originals are. Powers of attorney and other documents may need original signatures, and families should know exactly where those documents are stored and how to access them.
The first signs of dementia may be subtle. A misplaced name, a change in driving ability or another seemingly isolated event can signal that something more significant is happening.
A family member may notice changes a doctor does not immediately see. Caregivers often have years of context and can recognize changes in personality, memory and functioning that may not be obvious during a short medical appointment.
Getting a diagnosis can be a process. Families may need additional evaluations and testing, and some diagnostic services may not be covered as expected by insurance.
Long-distance caregiving can create tremendous guilt. Supporting a parent does not necessarily mean abandoning your own career, home or family, but caregivers may still struggle with feeling as though they should be doing more.
Safety decisions can damage the relationship temporarily. Taking away car keys or changing a parent’s living situation may lead to anger and resentment even when the decision is necessary.
Dementia can create a painful role reversal. Adult children may suddenly find themselves making the same decisions their parents once made for them—or that their parents previously made for their own aging parents.
A supportive sibling relationship makes a difference. Kim credits the partnership with her brother as an important part of navigating decisions about their mother.
The right care environment is about more than medical needs. Maintaining church, breakfast routines, friendships and other familiar parts of life mattered when Kim’s family evaluated care options.
Use professionals who understand aging. Placement professionals, elder law attorneys, downsizing resources and other aging specialists can help families navigate decisions they may only make once in their lives.
Give yourself grace. There may not be a choice that feels good. Sometimes the goal is simply to make the best decision you can for the person you love with the information you have.

Topics discussed

00:00 – Welcome to Aging Unfiltered
Edna and Ashli introduce the episode and the podcast’s focus on the real people, families and experiences behind aging and elder law.
01:40 – Why Caregiving Stories Matter
The hosts discuss the difficult decisions families often face and why hearing another family’s story can help people prepare before they reach a crisis.
03:00 – Meet Kim Hafford
Kim introduces her family and begins sharing her experience caring for her mother after the death of her father.
03:20 – The First Sign Something Was Different
Kim recalls a Thanksgiving 2022 phone conversation in which her mother confused who she was speaking with. Because dementia had already affected other members of the family, Kim immediately recognized the significance.
04:20 – A Frightening Car Ride
During a visit around Easter 2023, changes in her mother’s driving reinforced Kim’s concern that something more serious was happening.
05:20 – “I Wish We Had Talked About This 20 Years Ago”
Kim reflects on the value of having conversations about aging, future care and decision-making while parents are still healthy and fully able to participate.
07:20 – Get the Legal Documents in Order
The conversation turns to powers of attorney and other planning documents—and why preparing them is only the first step.
08:00 – The Importance of Original Documents
Kim shares the stressful experience of needing an original legal document in order to handle her mother’s affairs and not knowing where it had been stored.
09:20 – Caring for a Parent From a Distance
Kim discusses the guilt of living away from her mother while maintaining her own established life, career and responsibilities.
10:30 – Frequent Travel and Caregiver Guilt
She describes flying back regularly, using vacation time and struggling with the feeling that she should always be doing more.
10:50 – Seeking Medical Answers
Kim brought her concerns to her mother’s primary care physician and learned that changes obvious to family members may not be as visible during a doctor's appointment.
11:40 – Testing, Diagnosis and Insurance
The family pursued additional diagnostic testing and encountered unexpected questions about what insurance would and would not cover.
12:40 – The Decisions Begin to Multiply
Selling a home, handling finances, managing belongings and determining what care was needed became part of the family's new reality.
13:00 – Taking Away the Car Keys
Kim talks about one of the hardest decisions she had to make and how strongly her mother reacted to losing the independence associated with driving.
14:10 – Doing the Right Thing Can Still Feel Terrible
The hosts and Kim discuss how caregivers can know intellectually that a decision is necessary while emotionally feeling guilty about making it.
14:40 – Dementia and the Ability to Understand Decisions
As her mother's dementia progressed, explaining why certain decisions were necessary became increasingly difficult.
15:00 – Remembering What Her Mother Had Done Before
Kim reflects on watching her mother care for the previous generation and realizing that she was now making many of the same decisions for her own mother.
16:00 – Watching Your Parent Become Frail
Kim describes the emotional role reversal of seeing someone she had always viewed as strong and protective become increasingly vulnerable.
16:45 – Downsizing a Lifetime
The family faced the practical and emotional work of selling the home and deciding what to do with years of possessions and memories.
17:20 – Navigating Decisions With Siblings
Kim explains that she and her older brother were fortunate to have a close relationship and were generally able to approach major decisions as a team.
18:00 – Finding the Right Care Community
The family worked with someone knowledgeable about senior care options and evaluated communities based on both immediate and long-term needs.
18:30 – Maintaining Familiar Routines
The ability for Kim’s mother to continue going to church, seeing familiar people and maintaining important routines factored into the family's decision.
19:00 – Planning for the Next Stage, Too
Kim's family wanted a setting where her mother could age in place rather than repeatedly moving as her care needs increased.
19:30 – Using Aging Professionals and Community Resources
Edna and Ashli discuss the value of placement professionals, downsizing services, elder law professionals and other specialists who can guide families.
20:00 – Including a Parent in the Decision
Kim's family toured multiple options with her mother and involved her in the process as much as possible.
20:30 – The Shared Experience of Caregiving
Although every family’s story is different, the hosts point out how many of Kim's experiences mirror situations they hear from other families.
21:20 – Advice for Other Families
Start the conversations early, prepare the documents, ask questions, keep important traditions alive and remember that difficult decisions are being made out of love.
22:10 – Give Yourself Grace
Kim emphasizes that caregivers should allow themselves grace when there is no easy or perfect decision.
22:35 – Closing
Edna and Ashli thank Kim for sharing her story and close the episode.

Edited lightly for readability. Filler words, repeated phrases and false starts have been removed while preserving the substance of the conversation.

Aging Unfiltered — Episode 2

Edna/Ashli: Welcome to Aging Unfiltered: Real. Raw. Law.

We’re so glad you’re able to join us today.

Before we begin, Aging Unfiltered is presented by Hook Law for general informational and educational purposes only. Nothing in this podcast is legal, tax or financial advice, and listening does not create an attorney-client relationship with Hook Law or any of its attorneys.

Every situation is different. Before acting on anything you hear, please consult with an appropriate qualified professional.

The idea behind Aging Unfiltered is really to share some real-life experiences.

There are real people with real stories behind the things we see every day, and we want to bring those stories to you and talk about what families actually go through.

Legal documents matter. Planning matters. But behind every document is a person and a real family.

Every family has a story. Sometimes that story is filled with joy. Sometimes it is filled with unexpected circumstances, and sometimes those circumstances are incredibly difficult.

That’s why this podcast is about real conversations and real experiences.

There are conversations that families need to have and decisions they may eventually be forced to make. One of those conversations is dementia.

You can certainly learn about dementia from a textbook or a medical journal, but there is something different about hearing directly from a daughter who has walked through it with her mom.

Many families suddenly find themselves making medical decisions, dealing with legal documents, navigating difficult circumstances and trying to understand family dynamics—all at once.

Hearing stories from people who have actually lived that experience can help families realize that they don’t necessarily have to wait until they’re in the middle of a difficult situation before they begin preparing.

We’re incredibly grateful to have Kim Hafford with us today.

Kim, thank you for being here and for being willing to share your story.

Kim: Thank you for having me.

I have two brothers. My father passed away about six years ago, and my mom was widowed at a relatively young age.

The first time I really noticed that something might be going on with my mom was around Thanksgiving in 2022.

I was talking to her on the phone, and during the conversation she started referring to me as though I was someone else.

I remember stopping her and saying, essentially, “Mom, you’re talking to me.”

She corrected herself immediately and said, “Oh yeah. I knew that.”

But I knew.

There is a family history of dementia, so I always had this feeling that there was a possibility we might eventually face it.

My brothers and I were aware of that.

But that phone call was the first moment when I really thought, “Okay. Something may actually be happening.”

Edna/Ashli: So that was the first indication that made you think something was different?

Kim: Yes.

Then a few months later, around Easter 2023, I went to visit her.

She picked me up, and we were in the car together.

That car ride was probably one of the most terrifying rides of my life.

There were things happening with her driving that were simply not normal for her.

In many other ways, she still seemed like herself. But the signs were there.

Between the phone call and that experience in the car, it became increasingly clear that we needed to figure out what was happening and determine what our next steps should be.

Edna/Ashli: Looking back now, is there anything you wish you or your family had done differently before you reached that point?

Kim: Absolutely.

If I could go back and talk to a younger version of myself, I would say, “Have these conversations 20 years ago.”

There is a sweet spot when you’re talking with your parents.

If you wait until they’re older, and especially if there is already some decline happening, those conversations can become much more personal to them.

They can feel like you’re trying to take something away.

My mother knew dementia ran in our family. She had seen it before.

If we’d had the conversation 20 or 25 years earlier, while everybody was completely healthy and lucid and this was all hypothetical, I think it would have been very different.

You don’t necessarily have to make immediate decisions.

But start talking.

What would you want?

What happens if you can’t drive?

What happens if you can’t live at home anymore?

Who do you want helping you?

Where are the documents?

Those are much easier conversations when nobody is in a crisis.

Edna/Ashli: That’s something we talk about constantly—starting early.

And part of preparing is not only having the conversation, but getting the documents in place.

Kim: Yes.

One of the biggest things I would tell anybody listening is: get your legal documents together, and know where they are.

And I don’t just mean having them prepared.

Know where the original documents are.

Put them somewhere safe.

If there’s a sibling or another trusted person who may eventually need them, make sure that person knows where they are and can access them.

You may need the document with the original signature.

You think, “We have a copy. We’re fine.”

And then suddenly somebody says, “No, we need the original.”

Edna/Ashli: Did that happen to you?

Kim: That is exactly what happened to us.

When we reached the point where we needed to handle my mother’s affairs, including selling her home and paying for her care, we needed one of her original legal documents.

We knew it existed.

But we couldn’t find it.

My older brother and I had been flying back and forth and going through things, and suddenly we’re searching through storage bins and boxes trying to locate this piece of paper.

It was incredibly stressful.

Finally, on one of my trips back when we were preparing to sell the house, I had this instinct to look in one more place.

And there it was.

The document with the original signature.

I can’t even explain the relief.

So when somebody tells you to put your estate-planning documents somewhere safe, take that seriously.

And tell the people who may eventually need them where “somewhere safe” actually is.

Edna/Ashli: You were also dealing with all of this while living away from your mom.

Did the distance make the experience harder?

Kim: Absolutely.

There is so much guilt.

I love my mother very much. She is a priority in my life.

But I also don’t live near her.

I have an established life. I have a career. I have my own responsibilities.

It wasn’t realistic for me to simply abandon all of that.

But emotionally, that can be difficult to accept.

You start thinking, “Should I sell my house? Should I change my career? Should I move?”

The guilt just eats at you.

Eventually I started traveling back on a very regular basis.

I was flying out every six to eight weeks and usually staying for about a week.

That’s airfare, rental cars, vacation time and time away from everything else in your life.

You do it because you love your parent.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Edna/Ashli: Once you knew you needed answers, what did you do first?

Kim: The first step was talking with her primary care physician.

I brought my concerns to him and explained the things I had been noticing.

At first, I was almost surprised that he didn’t seem to be seeing exactly what I was seeing.

But I’ve learned that the medical perspective isn’t necessarily the same as the daughter’s perspective.

I know my mother.

I know what is normal for her.

I know her personality.

I can see changes that might not be obvious during a short appointment.

Eventually we moved into more advanced evaluation and testing.

That was another education.

There were things I assumed insurance would cover that were not necessarily covered the way I expected.

Some of the diagnostic process can be expensive.

Eventually, though, we were able to get answers and understand that we really were dealing with dementia.

Edna/Ashli: And once you had that answer, you suddenly had a lot more decisions to make.

Kim: Exactly.

Now you’re talking about the house.

You’re talking about finances.

You’re talking about where someone is going to live.

You’re talking about possessions they’ve accumulated over a lifetime.

And you’re talking about the car.

Edna/Ashli: Taking the car keys away is one of those issues we hear about constantly.

What was that like?

Kim: Heartbreaking.

Absolutely heartbreaking.

For both of us.

She was angry.

My mom knew everybody. She was active in her community. She had places she went all the time.

And she told people that her daughter had taken her car away.

She would go to breakfast or be around people she knew and say, essentially, “My daughter took my car. Why would she do that to me?”

That is awful to hear.

Everything we did was out of love.

But knowing that doesn’t make the guilt disappear.

She resented it.

I felt terrible.

But it was necessary.

Those are the kinds of decisions where you’re going to feel bad even when you know you’re making the right decision.

Edna/Ashli: That’s so important for caregivers to hear.

Sometimes there isn’t a choice that feels good.

Kim: Exactly.

And as dementia progresses, explaining it doesn’t necessarily solve the problem.

There may have been a part of my mother earlier on that could understand why something was happening.

Later, she couldn’t always process or retain that explanation.

The brain is amazing, but dementia changes what someone can understand and remember.

One of the things I tried to remind myself of was that my mother had once been in a similar position.

Years ago, she helped care for her own mother.

She had made difficult decisions for her.

Now I was doing it for my mom.

Sometimes I would think, “This is what she did for her mother. I’m doing the same thing for her.”

But that doesn’t mean she could always recognize that in the moment.

Edna/Ashli: That’s such a difficult role reversal.

Kim: It really is.

I’ve always thought of my parents almost as superheroes.

They’re your parents.

They’re the protectors.

Then my father passed away.

And now I’m watching my mom get older and become frail and seeing her decline with dementia.

It’s humbling.

It’s heartbreaking.

At the same time, we’re downsizing.

We’re getting rid of things she has owned for years.

You’re going through an entire lifetime.

Every object can represent a memory.

So you’re dealing with all of these practical things at exactly the same time you’re dealing with the emotional reality that your parent is changing.

Edna/Ashli: How did you and your brothers navigate those decisions together?

Kim: I am very fortunate.

My older brother and I are very close, and we’ve partnered incredibly well through all of this.

We were generally in agreement about the major decisions.

And when we didn’t know something, we reached out to somebody who did.

That was important.

We realized very quickly that this is not something we do professionally.

We needed people who understood senior care and knew what options were available.

Edna/Ashli: How did you approach finding somewhere for your mom to live?

Kim: We worked with someone who was very knowledgeable about senior-care options.

One of the things that mattered to us was understanding who my mother actually is—not just what her diagnosis is.

She has routines.

She has a community.

Church has been important to her for decades.

Going to breakfast is important to her.

Those things matter.

We didn’t just want to say, “Here is a building with an available room.”

We wanted to know what would allow her to continue as much of her life as possible while still being safe and getting the care she needed.

We looked at several different places.

And we were also thinking ahead.

We wanted somewhere she could age in place as much as possible.

The last thing we wanted was to move her over and over again every time her care needs changed.

Every move is another disruption.

Edna/Ashli: That’s something people don’t always realize when they’re evaluating care.

You’re looking at today’s needs, but you also have to ask what happens if those needs change.

Kim: Exactly.

And we included her in the process.

We visited different places with her.

We wanted her to feel like she was part of the decision and not like something was simply happening to her.

Eventually we found the place that felt right for her personality and her needs.

Was the process easy? No.

But having people who understood it helped tremendously.

Edna/Ashli: That’s why we talk so much about building a team.

There are professionals who help families find senior communities.

There are people who specialize in downsizing.

There are elder law professionals.

There are people who can help families understand how to communicate with someone experiencing cognitive decline.

Families don’t have to figure out every piece of this by themselves.

We maintain relationships with a lot of those resources because sometimes the legal issue is only one piece of what a family is experiencing.

Kim: Having those people matters.

You don’t know what you don’t know until you’re in it.

And by then you’re usually overwhelmed.

Edna/Ashli: One of the reasons we wanted you here is because your experience is uniquely your family’s story, but at the same time, so much of what you’re describing is something we hear from other families.

The circumstances are different, but the emotions are very similar.

Fear.

Guilt.

Role reversal.

Trying to make the right decision.

Trying to protect someone who may be angry at you for protecting them.

Kim: Exactly.

And when it first starts, it’s scary.

But you can get to a better place.

The right tools help.

The right people help.

Having the conversations helps.

I think that’s probably the biggest thing I want other families to understand.

Don’t wait.

Have the conversations early.

Be kind during those conversations.

Remember that your parent may be hearing something very different from what you think you’re saying.

Keep the traditions you can keep.

Keep the memories alive.

And give yourself grace.

Because every decision you’re making is being made because you’re trying to do what is in the best interest of your mom or dad.

That doesn’t mean every decision will feel good.

It doesn’t mean they’ll always agree with you.

But you have to give yourself some grace.

Edna/Ashli: That’s such an important way to end it.

Preparation doesn’t eliminate the hard parts.

But it can give a family more tools when those hard parts arrive.

And just as important, maintaining someone’s routines, traditions and memories reminds us that a diagnosis is not the entirety of who that person is.

Kim, thank you so much for being willing to come on and share something so personal.

We know your story is going to resonate with a lot of families.

Kim: Thank you for having me.

Edna/Ashli: And thank you for joining us on Aging Unfiltered.

If you appreciated today’s conversation, follow or subscribe so you don’t miss our next episode and more real stories about aging, caregiving, family and planning.

Closing Disclaimer

Aging Unfiltered is presented by Hook Law for general informational and educational purposes only. Nothing in this podcast constitutes legal, tax, financial or other professional advice, and listening does not create an attorney-client relationship with Hook Law or any of its attorneys.

Every situation is different. Before acting on anything discussed in this podcast, consult with an appropriate qualified professional.

Kim Hafford: Navigating Dementia, Caregiving & the Decisions Families Don’t Expect